I'm
sorry I couldn't be of any help today - At the school, when you needed the
parents to pitch in to help clean up the gardens.
I'm sorry I never baked those cakes - I promised
the kids and I, that I'd make for the cake sale. But we made up for it by
buying Ten pounds worth.
I'm sorry I didn't have the time to fill out all
those parent questionnaires or online surveys, for the school.
I'm sorry I'm always late with dinner money, and
trip fees.
I'm sorry I never manned a stall at the summer fair - or even attended to support you. We really wanted to come I promise we
tried.
I’m sorry to my child for forgetting to print
those important family photos - That you need for your topic, "all about
me" I feel really bad I could've cried when I saw all the children
bringing theirs in and you were empty handed.
I'm sorry I forgot your PE kit again, I did bring it back for you
though. I tried.
I'm sorry that I forgot it was your class
assembly - This morning, when you got a certificate for settling in to year 1
really well. I told you a little lie. I wasn't standing at the back; you see my
life has been taken over with Special education meetings and hospital
appointments. I forgot. It hurts.
I'm sorry that we forgot it was your friend’s
birthday party on Saturday - I wrote it down, and I RSVP'd, and somehow the
weekend just passed us by. I'm sorry I made you miss you out.
I’m sorry I sent you to school in non-uniform - A week early. I didn't get the memo that it had changed. Again I'm sorry I sent
you in uniform when it was dress as your Hero day, I must not have got that
memo either.......
When you both were waiting for me on the field
in school for our family picnic day, I'm sorry I didn't have a chance to tell
you I wouldn't make it - I was called to an urgent meeting and it was vital to
attend, I made sure you had another parent to sit with though, but it still
doesn't take away the guilt I felt that day.
I'm sorry I never made it to your trip with
preschool - I was supposed to come but I had to work that day, I was told you
had a good time.
I'm even more sorry that when it was your
sisters turn for that trip two years later - I had to arrange for her to go with
staff because yet again another VERY important appointment was made at the
chosen SEN school and I HAD to attend. I'm even more sorry that because she
didn't have an adult with her she was allowed no ice cream, she was not allowed
in the splash pool, and she burnt to a crisp! I was very sad that day.
You see, being a parent of a special needs child
impacts the whole family. Not just the child with special needs. There's lots
of things I could have written here, there's lots of things I've missed out on,
my children have missed out on. I feel very guilty for not being able to fulfil
everything that is required of me as a parent.
But most of all I'm sorry that this has to
happen at all.
I'm sorry for every other parent of children with disabilities
that feel like me on occasion, or even for some people every single day. You
shouldn't feel guilty. And you shouldn't feel inadequate.
You do your best
every minute of every single day.
You are a GOOD parent.
You see, the reasons that I missed loads of
these things. Or forgot to do others isn't because I'm a bad parent; it isn't
because I don't care or I am lazy or just so damn unorganised.
It's because I do care, and you do too.
Because
each time I've forgotten or missed something, is because I was advocating for
my child, or working to provide for them, or just simply because there was so
many things to organise in my brain for all of my three children, two with
disabilities and a disabled partner that I don't get to enjoy you as I should.
I want to enjoy you; I want you to enjoy me. But I need to protect your future.
I need to advocate so strongly that I'm missing out on your happiness.
I'm hopeful that this is beginning to change now
we have the appropriate schooling for you all. It took a few years, and a lot
of hard work. But the impact it's had already is immense.
I love you all, and I will never give up.
But
while things are settled, we will have fun and we will enjoy each other.
So if you feel like a failure, just remember
that while you were missing that assembly, you secured an EHCP for your complex
child with numerous disabilities.
And when you couldn't make that summer fair, you'd
just spent two hours trying to calm an anxious child in the middle of a
meltdown.
When you forgot to bake those cakes, it was
because you were reading soothing stories to your children who couldn't sleep
that night, and placating the others because of the violent outburst that
ripped through the whole family.
When you missed those
school trips, and family school gatherings, you were accompanying your disabled
partner, or your disabled child to a very important hospital appointment for an
MRI scan.
Be proud of your self, be proud of your children
and remember, that love is what is important. And above all else, give yourself a break; stop
being so hard on yourself. You’re doing an amazing job.
Originally written for Firefly Community.
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