19 November 2016

Grieving For My Princess?

7 years

It's a song right? Some of the lyrics fit really well into how I feel about life, it's like a big jumbled up puzzle of it, only some pieces are inside out and upside down so it doesn't totally fit together!

7years and 9 months and four days ago I fell pregnant, We were elated. I'd miscarried the month before so things were tense but my little bean stuck! We spoke about names, and spent a fortune on clothes and nursery things and feeding equipment. We talked about our hopes and dreams. I imagined having a little girl, buying pretty dresses, and plaiting freshly washed hair. Having little pretend tea parties and play dates with other families. We imagined holidays with the children. Going on shopping trips for clothes and party dresses. It was so exciting! A new baby. I already had a boy, would this be my girl? I hoped so.

Pregnancy was long and tiring. But at 8:50pm on the 30th July 2009 my gorgeous princess was born, 4 days over due weighing 5lb 150z and she was absolutely perfect. She was adorable. She was bald. And she was tiny.

I've written a series of blog posts before on the chapters of our life with little girl and how hard those first few years were. Things were very strange. Nothing was normal. She couldn't even keep down a bottle.

We struggled with her from day one. And when things didn't change and she grew in size, but didn't seem to follow in all her milestones, grief struck me big time. I'm not ashamed to admit that I wondered where my princess was? I didn't sign up for this child? She was angry, violent, confusing, and never happy. I couldn't take her anywhere at all. Driving was so stressful, we couldn't go on holidays because it was a danger to everyone. I could only make short journeys and even those were very difficult indeed.

Why wasn't my baby happy?

There were no pretty dresses, no shopping trips, and certainly no freshly washed hair with plaits! In fact I couldn't even touch her head. I knew what was wrong and it took me two years to finally convince everyone else. But still I grieved for that other child, the one I could take to the movies and sing songs happily with, the one that would help me cook. My princess.

But the bond we had was astounding. Sometimes suffocating. But wonderful all at the same time. We were one, we understood each other. I knew her mind, her soul and I felt her pain and her suffering. I would know what she wanted with just a look, or a turn of the head, I had to stop myself finishing her sentences because she was delayed with speech and language, instead I had to use encouragement and guidance. I HAD to help my child. Instead of longing for my princess who quite honestly must have got lost, (someone must have given her the wrong directions or something) I had to understand and guide her, and everyone else for that matter.

I don't know when I stopped grieving for my princess.

I honestly can't remember, it was a very long time ago, probably about the same time that I lost my sanity. But I don't grieve about pretty party dresses anymore, or plaits, or going shopping for clothes. I indulge us both in other ways! I indulge her obsessions. we don't buy toys, and normal things for birthdays. Birthdays have consisted mainly of sensory toys for years. Sparkly night lights, weighted blankets and silly putty. Let's face it there's only so much you can have right? This year her stationary obsession has been well and truly indulged and I'm so jealous.

I still wonder sometimes what it would be like if I had my little princess, only briefly, because then it hits me. I DO have my princess. She's here with me, she is beautiful, and kind and thoughtful and loving. She is funny, energetic (my god is she energetic) has the most Infectious laugh, and is so endearing and innocent that it melts my heart. My princess didn't get lost, she was just made differently. It was me who was lost, lost in grief for the "normal" all those things in the first paragraph. But this is my normal now. I'm actually quite used to it. It's hard work but she is who she is, and no amount of grief is ever ever going to change that. But it's ok, to feel grief is normal. Grieving helps the process. It helps acceptance and it helps us to become who we are, to love unconditionally. 
It's Okay that she needs Lots Of Love and Affection. Because every child does. And that's normal!

So to those of you in those first stages of this pathway that will lead you to your own normal, grieve away, because once you get there you'll understand that it's ok!

And to my beautiful, funny princess, a massive happy 7th birthday! We love you no matter what. 
Written in July.

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